Depths of Randomness
by Dark Memory
Summary: This story is hilarious. Chapter 4 up. Lil' John completes his task to save his soul. The Trial of Dennis Rodman.
1. Yugi's African Safari

**This story was made in approximately 7 minutes. It is a culmination of every possible thing I could put down, in its complete and utter randomness. Read this to laugh. This story does and will continue to suck. It is funny as hell though, at least to me. So if you're looking for good literature, read "Spirit Enslaved" or "Pong of Darkness." Don't read this crap...Hahaha**

**Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, Don't own the Icons, Don't own the Bands, Don't make fun of Mexicans, and obviously, Don't own any sanity.**

Yugi's African Safari

Marik gazed across the room at Yugi Motou, his half-brother/sister. Yugi knew every card in his opponent's deck and knew that he would not lose.

Five seconds later Yugi was on the brink of losing. Afraid of what was to come, he took out the magical pen he had received from Mr. Goodwrench. He wrote a note and stepped towards Marik. He folded the note into a paper airplane that, halfway through the air, became a bird. "Damn! Now he'll never get it!"

The bird landed on Marik's head and set it him on fire. "Try another slick move like that Pharaoh and just _see_ what happens."

"What happens?"

"You'll see…."

"Just tell me."

"Ok. Um…"

Marik thought long and hard about what the author would say happens next. He suddenly unzipped his jeans and took out his—Millennium—Rod. In a split second, Yugi was sent to the Shadow Realm; a world of dirty diapers that littered the ground with the constant, monotonous sound of sixty's band, Boston playing in the background.

Not knowing how to get back, Yugi walked towards a pile of Susan B. Anthony coins that sort of resembled a city in his twisted little mind. He found a baseball stadium and decided that a game of soccer would be exactly what he needed. He watched the football game with great anticipation; the Boston Red Sox were facing the New England Patriots. Jason Kidd hit a home run that just barely missed the field goal posts. Santa Clause declared that the ball was still in play. After a near-foul, Tiki Barber bowled three strikes in a row, and the Mexican referee shouted "Goooaaaallll!"

Yugi grew tired of the game quickly and decided to walk home to his house that had been teleported to the Shadow Realm very Wizard-of-Oz-like. He ran into Mr. Ham from Toy Story who gave him a secret card called "Bacon Attacks" that he put into his deck.

He thought of a way to get home; he clapped his hands three times. And absolutely nothing happened. He felt like a stupid moron, so he went to bed. He awoke face-to-face with Celine Deon and she sang him a song that made him want to cry. He woke up in the middle of Africa with Bakura.

There was no food, so they ate rocks. Bakura's father was on safari there, so he gave them a ride back to Japan—from Shadow Africa. The two duelists decided to return to the duel that Yugi had vanished from, only to find that Marik was still there all this time waiting.

Yugi used the new card he had received from Mr. Ham. Bacon came soaring out of the card and began to hit Marik in the face. While he was distracted, Yugi used his puzzle to send Marik to the only place worse than the Shadow Realm; Wisconsin.

A drunken hobo named Billy walked up to Marik and decided to keep him as a pet in his basement. He was force-fed cheese until finally, he melted. Meanwhile….

…Back in Africa, a new item is discovered; the Millennium Microphone. It was wielded by Lil' John and the Eastside Boyz.

Yugi's journey was just beginning as he was about to face a new enemy in a tale that was sure to make as little sense as this one did.


	2. Michael Jackson, Secrets

**I can't believe this story got reviews…**

**Well I guess here's chapter 2… another waste of maybe 12 whole minutes of my time. Haha..**

Michael Jackson, Secrets...

The Egyptian sun was setting on another day in Manhattan. Lil' John and the Eastside Boyz were recording their new album, "Exact Same Thing as Last Time" in a recording studio. The whole thing had about four syllables altogether that were repeated over and over again in various ways; guaranteed to win many awards.

The Millennium Microphone sparkled eerily as Lil' John sang, or whatever it is he actually "does." It sparkled because it was magical...or whatever… and did absolutely nothing but still existed so that the author could fit it in and still make sense.

Of course nothing **did** actually make sense in the end, so in walked Michael Jackson. He was getting over the flu and on his way to his court case and was hoping to get some "action." Sadly for him, he soon learned that the Eastside "Boyz" were actually grown men.

Yugi, while vacationing in Barbatos, went scooba diving. Why? Because I said so. And because that's what pharaohs secretly did in their spare time. He was there on business with Kaiba. After picking up his wedding gown from the dry cleaners and getting a perm, Joey met back up with Yugi.

It was Kaiba's birthday. The three of them were to have a commemorative three-way…ahem "duel"… after exchanging gifts. Yugi gave Kaiba a "Kaiba Starter Deck" so now he would be able to draw out the Blue Eyes White Dragon in every single damn duel like he does on the show. Joey gave him a Jack-in-the-box. "Joey, you do realize that your present is empty, right? You can't be that stupid." Joey replied, "Yes, I know that. There's 'jack' in that box!"

-(Okay people work with me. I know nothing's going to seem funny after Lil' John and Michael Jackson, but just try to finish.)

After the party, the three of them fell asleep. Yugi dreamt that Mickey Mouse told him that he would be the one to open the door to the light. Then, he had a brief glimpse of Marik before he was tortured and whipped by the hobo. He awoke with a start and an odd smile on his face.

The phone suddenly rang. A freaky voice came over the speaker. It said "…seven days…"

Yugi asked, "What happens in seven days?"

The voice replied, " **What? Yeah!"**

Yugi didn't understand. "You are wasting my time. I saw that episode of Chapelle's show but really that joke's so old…"

"**Okay!"**

Yugi hung up the phone. Another Lil' John impersonator; the eighth this week. Or was it a bad omen of things to come?

**Seven Days Later…**

"Seven Days….**Okay?**"

"No, really, what the hell is wrong with you? You said that seven days ago."

This time Lil' John hung up the phone. He hadn't realized it had been this long already since his last call; he didn't believe in "Time" per se; passed it off as a governmental conspiracy. After feeding his pet marijuana plant the remains of slaughtered fourth-graders, he left his mansion and set off, on foot, to Heaven. Or what he believed to be heaven; keep in mind he **_was_** high as a motha-…

End of Chapter 2

"So yeah, that's chapter two. Next chapter should detail Lil' johns time in 'Heaven.' Read and review. I know this is a waste of time for you too, but no flames man… This story is **supposed** to suck out of its mind. Hahaha"


	3. Lil' John in Heaven

Lil' John in Heaven

Lil' John approached the pearly white gates. He could see inside many naked women; an everyday site in his apartment, but he did not stop to question it. He kept walking and walking even though he was just in his mansion banging into walls; again, he didn't stop to question it because to Lil' John he was just hitting clouds—and clouds were the feces of angels, and apparently hurt like hell.

It wasn't long before he met God himself; a six foot tall reefer tree he had planted in his backyard. He began to strike up a conversation with it. "Hey…hey god? **Yeah!" **

"_My dear son, Saint John of Little, I have a mission for you that needs undertaking. That...needs to be undertook…under…tooken…It has been a long time, my son, since I have used that word and I kind of dropped out of high school to get wasted and bang groupies (_**Yeah!)** _Ahem, but anyways, Little John, I have a mission. I want you to destroy the pharaoh of Egypt, Yami. I do not want you to use the Millennium Microphone to do so. It is a weapon of the heathens. And after all, it doesn't really **do** anything… it was just an idea that the author had that just didn't go as planned; like jumping off his roof with an umbrella, for instance." _

God took a break to inject his heroin. _"Ahh…good stuff. Thank…well, Me…for hard drugs. Anyway, you must not use that item. It is Egyptian; they don't believe in me. They believe in many Gods because I made them born with severe mental retardation. Do not listen to the pharaoh. After all, Egyptian religion is a bunch of fairy tales anyway! Hahahaha... oh man I kill me…God forbid man."_

Lil' John woke up half-naked in his garden. It was about… well he didn't know what time it was. But he used Calculus to find the geometric location of the Sun and that helped a little. He was only off by about 5 minutes,13 seconds, and approximately 14 years, but who was counting?

Somewhere out in Arkansas (first place I can think of) Joey and Yugi were having a slumber party. When Yugi stepped out of the house for a second to get some fresh air and lick the tires of his Honda Civic for much needed fiber, because Jesus, who the hell eats "Total" cereal anyway, and the tire probably tasted better, Joey attempted to sign onto Yugi's computer. I say "attempted" because, well, Joey is a little slow. It **was** America Online, so yeah, "so easy to use, no wonder it's number 1," but no; you can't underestimate the stupidity of Joey.

Yugi returned in about fifteen minutes. The computer was fried. Literally, fried, as in "on the oven." Joey had somehow managed to tie himself to the couch with fishing cord and smelled of boiled milk; milk gone bad that Joey had intended to drink with the "cookies" he had found on the computer. Kaiba then walked in, saw the hot white liquid on the ground, saw Joey tied to the couch, and walked out; very quickly.

Lil' John gazed at his Millennium Microphone. It now had the face of Stone Cold Steve Austin. He began to listen to the Microphone over the gurgling sounds coming from the immense amount of alcohol that leaked out of its mouth every given second. But eventually the Redneck Mike told Lil' John that it would have to be returned to its resting place, the guardian Sphinx in Egypt, or he would get a Wet Willy. That word isn't even in the dictionary. That's how freaking smart this thing was.

Lil' John left his mansion silently. He didn't want to be caught by the rest of the Eastside Boyz so he used a little trick he had seen in Harry Potter, a movie on his age level. He sprinkled himself with "Invisibility Coke" and left. (Read the very first sentence of this paragraph—he left already. I guess what I'm trying to imply is that he left… but now he's leaving… even more. Using the help of Bob Saget. But I'm sure you guys were already following that concept.)

_"Okay guys, that's chapter 3. This is so fun. And I never run out of insanity either so I can write like a chapter a day almost! Invisibility Coke, instead of Cloak. Hahaha…You know you love it."_


	4. The Trial of the Flamboyant Sphinx

**This story is made up as I write it so keep in mind I have no idea how long its going to be or even where its going. Literally, as I'm typing RIGHT NOW I have no idea what's going to happen in this very chapter. Oh! Wait, wait I know...This is gonna be good...**

The Trial of the Flamboyant Sphinx

The Flamboyant Sphinx was well-known throughout the Valley of Kings in Egypt. It was a half-human, half-Robin Williams shaped building made of stone, much like the pyramids, but with more chest hair. Lil' John stopped into an inn near Cairo and picked up a map of the valley. The resting place of the Millennium Microphone was somewhere within this Sphinx; if left unreturned, he would become gay. Such was the "Penalty of Flamboyancy" proclaimed by the rod itself / Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Lil' John journeyed through the desert in search of the Sphinx. He found it exactly where the map said it would be. Looking at the structure now, it was obvious that he could have probably seen it from a mile away if he hadn't had his face buried in the map. The pyramid was strikingly purple and appeared to have been a prop straight out of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." It was also very well-endowed. Not like "black" well-endowed, but literally "gay" well-endowed.

How to get inside? Well, how do you get into anything gay?

Through the back door. The mouth was securely guarded by rows of bloody teeth that looked as though they could spring to life at any second. But around back was a wide, gaping hole; also bloody, but for different reasons. Inside, there stood Dennis Rodman.

"Yo, Lil' John. I gosta ask you sum riddles man. You get 'em right, and you can save yo' soul."

"**Okay!"**

**"**Aiight. Question one: Where da hell you be man?"

"Umm… Egypt? **Yeah!"**

**"**Dang yo, that's right. And two: umm… what's your name, Lil' John?"

"**Lil' John in da hizz-ouse, Yeah! Okay!"**

"Yo, you smart as a mofo. Last question: If a new species of animal was to be discovered, using its biological and cellular characteristics, how would one be able to classify it?"

"Umm.. **okay.**_ First you would run a series of experiments to decellularize the magistrate in order to determine its malleability. Then, you would compare the disectamines with the other known nonagons to remedy the new species' cylindricality."_

"Umm…Yeah, that sounds about right yo."

Dennis Rodman stepped aside. "The chamber to the alter you seek lies beyond. Please, _call me_…"

The chamber was not without its perils. Lil' John had to watch his step to avoid many traps. There were scented candles… at one point Lil' John tripped a floor switch that made a particularly queer episode of Will and Grace come up on the walls. Had he not been extremely high, he just might've stopped to watch it.

At last, the mauve alter came into view. Lil' John ran to it and put Stone Cold Steve Austin inside. His task was done, signified by a glorious rendition of "Hallelujah" by the rotting corpses of those who had failed the test. The only thing left to do was to take care of the pharaoh. But what could Lil' John do to destroy him? He didn't know how to play their stupid little card game… He just learned the concept of Go Fish, how could he learn something **this** complicated?


End file.
